The Jab is Bareknuckle’s monthly newsletter, where we let our hair down, pour ourselves a beer and laugh about stuff that’s been on our minds. Nothing is off limits, so if you can’t take a jab, stay out of the ring.
August 2022 – It’s Actually 1991 and All the Babysitters are DEAD.
We all had it made in the shade 30 years ago. Christina Applegate was on top of her game. People knew each other’s phone numbers by memory. One pound of bacon cost $1.95 (not $7, so Governor Steve Sisolak was eating like a bacon-champ, and not bitching about it on TV). Gas was $1.18 per gallon (so Steve Sisolak was driving around like a champ, and not bitching). And babysitters were keeling over on the big screen and nobody was saying sh*t to mom (snitches get stitches, Sisolak).
May 2022 – This is How Wey DO It
Regardless (sorry, irregardless) of the time of year, it’s always nice to have a straight-no-chaser shot of motivation. In this JAB, we’re looking at some menial to-dos that never get the focus and attention we think they deserve. Everything from getting smarter, to being better (sorry, betterer) with money, to picking a goddamn item on a dinner menu and sticking with it. Montell Williams was no flip-flopper, so if you’re going with the fish, or the salad, or the T-bone … no one cares. Just. Order. Don’t be a waffler. Get the waffles.
OK, on with it.
March 2022 – Punch-less Jokes + A Recipe For Pie
Does Your Funny Bone Have a Sweet Tooth?
This month Uncle Duke smacks us two-fold. First, with some jokes he forgot the punchlines. And B, with his favorite strawberry pie recipe, as shown here disguised as a cherry pie.
First some HA HA, then some YUM YUM. Let’s go.
February 2022 – The JAB Trivia, Now with Google-able Answers!
Not quite ready to get back to in-person trivia down at The Max? Don’t fret! The JAB writers have a 10-pack of trivia coming your way. We picked 10 because it’s easy to score (i.e. if you get 9 out of 10, you get a 63.7%, see?) But, if you really want to impress your cat, just Google everything and you should be a hot 10 out of 10 (142.9%).
Ready. Set. Trivia.
December 2021 – Your Mama’s So Fat and Other 90’s Stuff
From unknown 90’s stories about blood brothers to the explosion of retail sales of advent calendars, we’re about to flew our timeline muscles in this month’s Jab. It’s December (1994) in the Jab Writing Room and, like you, we’ve checked out of real work using the upcoming holidays as an excuse to stream some episodes of seaQuest and otherwise slack off. We’re here to help with that … let’s tell some loosely-90’s stories … let’s snort some nostalgia.
NOVEMBER 2021 – Congratulations! Here’s a Paperclip!
China gets credit for inventing paper, like forever ago. But, they sure looked like a bunch of neanderthals with all their loose sheets of flimsy paper, blowing around in a whimsy with nothing to hold one sheet to the next. What a bloody mess. Then, like forever later, a dude from Norway (good ole Sammy Fay) filed an American patent for the wire paperclip so we could all move one step closer to not being barbaric. In short, AMERICA DOES IT AGAIN! Boom!
OCTOBER 2021 – Churn Baby Churn: You Butter Believe it!
Ever been desperate for some inspiration so you can meet the writing deadline for the mega-publication you work for? Ever taken this desperation to the fridge to stress-eat? Ever peered inside said fridge and thought “get outta here Butter, you’re not funny!”
SEPTEMBER 2021 – It’s The Cornhole Event of the Damn Year!
Brewing Up Business invites 32 teams to compete for the crown at the 3rd Annual Brewing Up Business Charity Cornhole Championship. Enjoy tasty drinks from High Mark Distillery and scrumptious food from Kenji’s Food Truck, and play for gold, or cheer on competitors as a Looky Loo. All proceeds for this event are donated to the For Kids Foundation.
AUGUST 2021 – Break Stuff
Record heat waves, power outages, pandemics, delta variants, wildfires, wrestling superstars dying, housing costs, super long lines at newly reopened burrito shops, mask mandates, everyone on-edge, no-longer-rolling Stones, ENOUGH. Cheese and rice … we need to release some steam.
JULY 2021 – How to Dodge Things Thrown at Your Face – An Expert’s Guide
t is (or may not be) Global Face-cancer Awareness Month. And in an effort to bring much, much more attention to this often ignored (but still very deadly) disease, the 200+ staff of writers, strategists, visionaries and saviors behind The Jab decided to dedicate this month’s issue (or at least the intro) to helping our dozens of readers prevent this oh-so-preventable disease.
JUNE 2021 – 9 Ways to Quit Things
In 2020, you couldn’t find enough random stuff to sign yourself up for (online cooking tutorials, virtual happy hours, distance learning courses, constant Facetimes with people you’d never Facetime pre-COVID).
MAY 2021 – Judging Books Only By Their Covers
Life takes forever. We don’t all have the luxury of time to dig deep into every little detail before we get on with the judgin’. We were totally going to do some legitimate book reviews for this month’s Jab, but ain’t no one got time for that.
Here are some covers we judged without even peeking inside.
APRIL 2021 – This Month, We Did a Really (Really) Big Thing!
We’re typically pretty quiet and humble when our team accomplishes something (we mean outside of our award-shouting and when our owner time-and-time-again self-promotes himself to CE-Everything (and the King of Heaven)).
MARCH 2021 – 2024 (that’s in the future!)
Look, 2024 isn’t THAT far away, so why don’t we just wait instead of make the following list of projection-guesses? Well, smarty pants, we happen to have a 2024-expert on staff here at Bareknuckle. And while we have no F’n clue what 2025 will look like, we know A LOT about 2024.
FEBRUARY 2021 –Online Dating: Holding Over Humans Until Robo-Mates Are Mass Produced
Everyone is now familiar with the slew of niche dating sites helping to narrow the target audience–think Farmers Only, Christian Mingle or Fall-in-Love-in-a-Drainage-Ditch. These numerous sites and apps help provide you with an online community of people that will tickle your fancy–people who hopefully aren’t creeps or catfishes.
JANUARY 2021 – You’ve Got a Lot of Nerve (7 Trillion to be Precise)
The world seems a little fact-less these days. So, as usual, the writers of the Jab are going to step up to the challenge, make things right, and save the planet. We’ve compiled a list of headscratchers you didn’t know you didn’t need to know. Alas, suck on these red-blooded, all-American, salt-of-the-earth facts that’ll have any Joe Sixpack sounding smart and impressive at all the cocktail parties that aren’t going on right now.
DECEMBER 2020 – MLB Packs Arenas for Once
At the end of last month (the Jab never claimed to bring you timely news), major league baseball and Fox delivered thousands of fake fans into stadium seats where real fans never sat anyway. In efforts to make our bizarro-world more normie, the league decided to invite hordes of jersey-wearing CGI fans into empty COVID-free stadiums across the country.
NOVEMBER 2020 – We Have Something Serious to Say
The current Stock-photo Pandemic is the most serious pandemic of our lifetimes, so we made a PSA video about it. Please take this serious … it’s serious. Seriously.
OCTOBER 2020 – Get to know Limón, Bareknuckle’s new rescue parakeet!
We originally were going to name this cute booger Lemon (because he’s yellow and The Jab zaps all of our creative juices for the month), but then we heard him speak and he has one of those sexy, seductive Columbia accents like you hear in the picture-shows.
SEPTEMBER 2020 – Bill is turning into Duke
You know how when your plastic soup spoon drops fully into super hot soup, the spoon becomes the soup? Well, that also happens (kind of, we’re too lazy for a better analogy) when business owners become their logos. Sadly, this rare transformation happens to be an actual scientific condition called Madeupmorphosis. Even more sadly-er … it’s happening with Bareknuckle owner, Bill.
AUGUST 2020 – MLB Packs Arenas for Once
At the end of last month (the Jab never claimed to bring you timely news), major league baseball and Fox delivered thousands of fake fans into stadium seats where real fans never sat anyway. In efforts to make our bizarro-world more normie, the league decided to invite hordes of jersey-wearing CGI fans into empty COVID-free stadiums across the country.
JULY 2020 – Best Apology Jab EVER!
Whelp, it turns out Mr. Gosling has a monitoring service that scrutinizingly searches the internet(s) for unflattering (or fake) uses of his images. We got a not-so-nice-borderline-threatening letter (real letter, not email) from this monitoring service (they are called Reputation X, because we guess Reputation Dicks was taken). In this letter (again, real letter, not email) they asked/forced us to “immediately redact the newsletter concerning Mr. Gosling and issue an apology to all recipients.”
JUNE 2020 – Ryan Gosling’s Eggs
To celebrate our almost-10-year anniversary of publishing the award-nominated Jab, we reached out to celebrities to guest-write the funnies this month–both famous and Reno-famous.
MAY 2020 – BK is Running for Office
We’re the counter to the counter establishment (which makes us the establishment). Anway, we’re running for office, heck, we’re running for all the offices.
APRIL 2020 – Make America Hug Again
Nothing to do with quarantine or COVID-19 or restless kids or facemasks or how we want to make America hug again. And also, no quote of the month … it’s not like anyone ever said anything important.
FEBRUARY 2020 – Leap Year
For this edition of the Jab, we’re leaping right into the funny. Intros are for non-leapy months/years (and suckers).
JANUARY 2020 – Opposite Day
We hope you got some joy skimming through this month’s Opposite-Day-inspired Jab. We consider ourselves pretty prime-time when it comes to our Opposite Day skillz, but we’re always humbled by the hand-foot people who will forever be the real overachieving winners in our book.
DECEMBER 2019 – Caught in a Passion Pickle?
It’s the great rat race of our time, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: following your passion. According to science and the HR guy who interviewed you, if you’re not passionate about something, you’re about as useful as week-old leftovers. No one wants to be moldy mashed potatoes, so people are pretending to be passionate about stuff they just kinda sorta like. Like their job, going to the gym, or family time.
NOVEMBER 2019 – What’s in Your Wallet?
Take a look at the contents of your wallet with fresh eyes. Well, would you look at that! There’s one, two … at least a dozen gifts that you probably forgot all about. Get out of that gifting funk and start cleaning out your wallet to find the coolest gifts this side of frugal-ville.
OCTOBER 2019 – Get In the Zone
Getting into “the zone” is such a pipedream. This lady who turns into Einstein makes it look so easy. That’s why the Bareknuckle team put our heads together and created the EASIEST strategy for getting into the zone. Introducing … I SPY: All the Zones. Get ready to zone out and enjoy all the zones.
SEPTEMBER 2019 -Neighborly Know-How: A Completely Twisted Guide to Neighboring
Now that the dust has settled from Labor Day and the Holidays are barreling toward us, we want to stop and bring awareness to a little known holiday that our good neighbors are too modest to remind us about: National Neighbor Awareness Day.
AUGUST 2019 – Spirit of the Spirit Store
One night we left the office with an empty edition of the Jab yet to complete, the next morning the Spirit Store had moved into all the sections. So, we dimmed the lights, strung the fake spiderwebs and collected all the rent money.
This month, we’re encouraging you to sell out too. So show some spirit, Spirit Store spirit.
JULY 2019 – Fireside Chats with the Knucklers
Sit back with this video and let Bareknuckle calm your nerves with this pretty-templated-but-nonetheless-genuine, blood-pressure-lowering Fireside Chat (a concept we came up with, on our own, no one has ever done this).
JUNE 2019 – Unfinished Business
We’re in the Business of Finishing, Just Not in this Jab
The Bareknuckle team partners with businesses to finish stuff, lots of stuff. We create big things and small things and medium size things, all glistening with creativity.
To create and finish all this cool stuff, we have to endure tangents, half-baked thoughts, and creative blocks … a sweaty, bloody, tear-filled part of the process we rarely share with the outside world. Well, today is your lucky day. We’re unlocking the door to …THE BAREKNUCKLE UNFINISHED IDEA VAULT
MAY 2019 – Disney Songs: Knuckled
Typically we have an intro to explain ourselves and where this month’s Jab content came from. This month, none of us remember … so this should go just fine.
APRIL 2019 – The Gang Finds ALL the Silver Linings
Did you know that Michael Jackson had a smashing career before Leaving Neverland? How about Pudding Pops!? Did you remember when pudding pop sales skyrocketed because of funnyman Bill Cosby? We’ll bet you had no idea that Harvey “hard to love” Weinstein produced Shakespeare in Love, Pulp Fiction, and Good Will Hunting. Swoon.
MAR 2019 – Spring Cleaning Has Swept Us Off Our Feet
Move over groundhog, there’s a new spritely creature summoning an early spring: Marie Kondo. Whether you’ve read her book, watched the show, or overheard two girls at the bar fretting over their joyless closets, Marie Kondo has undoubtedly inspired you to clean up your act.
JAN 2019 – It’s All So Fake, So Happy Fake New Year!
Has your January been filled with people you haven’t seen in a while cheering, “Happy New Year”? Did your officemate (probably named KAREN) put up her new Sexy Firefighter calendar? Did your other officemate (probably also named CAREN but she spells it with a “C” because her parents were edgy) start a long list of ambitious resolutions and share them office-wide?
DEC 2018 – 13 Days of Goth Christmas
Today is December 21, the coldest, darkest day of the year (yes, only in the Northern Hemisphere, you carol-singing smart asses). While our loved ones are rushing around Target looking for stocking stuffers, stressing over good tidings and downing holiday fudge, we know better. That’s because this Christmas, we’re done with the red, green and white stuff.
NOV 2018 – Fa-La-La-La Fall’s Over, Move On Fall Fanatics.
When did people get all fanboy for fall? It’s gotten a little nuts (hazelnuts). And for the sake of season equality, we’re taking a few minutes to knock fall back down a few notches, where it belongs, down by winter (like it is on the calendar). To be fair, we dig fall foliage and comfortable clothes as much as the next guy, but we wager that winter, spring, and summer have sweetstuffs to offer as well (maybe not winter, she’s too bitchy).
OCT 2018 – Which Witch from Hocus Pocus Are You?
Today is arguably the best day of the year (but don’t argue with us or we’ll come to your house and scratch at your windows with forks all night).
Today is your chance to dress like a zombie-pumpkin or a sexy serial killer or a martian ballerina and no one can scold you for it.
SEP 2018 – This Month: 8-Minute Winter Bodies
As summer cools down, the need to pack on your pushin’ cushion heats up. And as you know, that winter body doesn’t happen overnight. It takes determination, a dangerous level of downtime and a whole lot of donuts. Follow these steps to achieve your ideal winter boy in 30 days or less, guaranteed.
AUG 2018 – This Month: Augustown Takes a Nap
Last August Bareknuckle did something epic, in list form. But legal action was threatened (which is a passive-voice way of saying, “ A representative who doesn’t think parody is funny called our office and threatened us.”) This one’s for you.
JULY 2018 – This Month: Pucker Up Reno, We’re Talking LimeBikes
The city of Reno is getting bitter beer face over LimeBikes right now. “Bike litter” and misconduct have struck awe in Renoites. We propose a theory: maybe the problem is less about people misusing LimeBikes and more about the curse that follows literally anything with lime in the title.
JUNE 2018 – This Month: A “Time” Line of Bareknuckle History
This month, we’re piecing together history of Bareknuckle alongside storied events in American lore. Why? Because the late, great Prince once said, “Time is a mind construct, it’s not real.” And we like the way Prince thinks … and sings, and dances, and eats pancakes.
MAY 2018 – This Month: Introducing ShutterKnuckle
Have you ever looked at a stock photo to a site and said, “I could do that!” Well, we just “did that.” Bareknuckle is offering a new stock photo service, ShutterKnuckle, because the world needs another platform for photos that are just kind of “good enough.”
APRIL 2018 – Taxes Taxes and more Taxes.
Taxes, the four letter word (five if you’re counting) that’s got a choke hold on our minds this week. We wanted to send you a newsletter that would successfully distract you from this miserable time, but apparently thinking, “Don’t think about taxes, don’t think about taxes!”
MARCH 2018 – This Month: And The Award Goes To …
It’s award season. That means we’re suiting up, glitzing out and fully prepared to give uncomfortably long, politically driven thank you speeches. We’ve been crash dieting all week for this day. Let’s hand out some awards.
FEB 2018 – This Month: Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope
For this February edition of the Jab, we’re overlooking Groundhog Day, blowing past ASH Wednesday, leaving Valentine’s Day for the lovebirds and karate-chopping our way right to the Chinese New Year (then we’re skipping over that, too).
JAN 2018 – This Month: Free Coupons, Free Hugs, and Free Will
And just like that, Christmas is in the dust. Did you forget to by something for that person in your life? So did we! So we are reverting to our 6-year old selves with a good old works-every-time coupon book! Pro tip: Blame the late gift on stupid slow snail mail traffic. You are so friggin’ welcome.
DEC 2017 – This Month: The World Is Organized Chaos, So Here Are Some Puzzles
If you’ve been screaming at your newsfeed a little more often than usual, trying to get a grip on this chaotic mess of a world, we offer you a break from the madness in puzzle form. Find the differences, guess who the Bareknuckle team is crushing on, and meet your new favorite business mascot.
If you’re like us (or like Walmart) you’re already writing your Christmas list and daydreaming about the eat-nap-eat tradition at Thanksgiving—even though you still don’t know what you’re goi to be for Halloween.
Check out the craziest phobias of 2017. And, of equal timeliness, see if you can match your favorite New Kids On The Block to his biggest fear.
SEP 2017 – This Month: Bareknuckle Fixes Everything
Bareknuckle helps us all cope better with cultural changes—those involving kneeling athletes, space whales and the end of Game of thrones.
JULY/AUG 2017 – This Month: The One, The Only: Augustown
Are you art-down after Artown? We hate to be the bearer of harsh news, but the Artown hangover can harsh your mellow, so we created Augustown.
JUNE 2017 – This Month: Bust This, Mutton
Get our your yee-haws and pop that flannel, it’s time again to totally disregard the Reno rodeo event and head straight to the Jack tent.
We’ve got your back. Your legacy is on the line. Let’s go.
- We do what we say we’re going to do.
- We’re wildly capable.
- We’re not jerks.
- We’re here for you.
- We’re bursting with fresh ideas.
- We’ll always tell you the truth.
We make Honest Abe look like a damn liar.
